Things I Motherfucking Hate

Surprise, surprise. Another post about my genitals. (Sorry Mom)

To all the ladies out there who complain about your once a month lady issues, let me counter with my once a day man issues. I’m not trying to trivialize what’s going on down there (in there?) or anything (eeeeeeeeewwww); I’d just like to say: “hey, we have shit to deal with as well.”

That shit is known as morning wood. If you didn’t know this already, guys wake up with ‘happy’ dicks. Guys also wake up and have to pee pretty badly and herein lies the conundrum. What do you do? How do you do it?

To say that morning wood is an inconvenience is sort of the understatement of the century, or the nine first years of a century but who’s counting? And here’s why: it’s all an aim issue.

You can take me drunk and dizzy, cut one of my feet off so I don’t even stand upright, poke one of my eyes out so I have no depth perception, and I’ll still hit the toilet bowl. Seat up or seat down. SWISH! (Know what I mean?) Nary a stray drop.

The minute you throw a boner into the mix, that percentage is shot. When standing and peeing while happy you can do any number of techniques and the one that most guys are familiar with is the ‘force-down.’ Sometimes you just have to grab it and point it.

It’s a little uncomfortable (but not more uncomfortable than sitting down and realizing that your ‘junk’ is now your ’stir stick.’) It’s terrible for the aim though. Droplets everywhere. What’s more is that any guy will tell you that there is a ’sweet spot’ on the toilet. It’s around where the water meets the back of the bowl; if you aim your stream there, you minimize sound, splash and catastrophe. The force-down sweet spot is much much broader.

It’s the toilet.

The whole bowl. Some mornings can be seen as victorious if you can land your stream on porcelain. Man V. Dick: a battle of epic proportions.

But here’s a solution to two problems, and I’m offering it up to you guys for free. It’s called ‘The Superman.’

I got that image from this very on topic and amazing webpage. (WARNING! Cartoon dicks!)

The Superman solves two very important problems:
1: No more peeing on not-the-toilet
2: It lets you pretend to be a super hero. Everyone wants to be a super hero.

However, it does not quell my motherfucking hatred of morning wood.

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