Motherfucker of the Month: March
I 
was surfing the interwebs and found this. Turns out Vince Shlomi aka Vince Offer aka the ShamWow™ guy threw down with a hooker. If you think his face is bad, you should see hers.
And then the strangest thing happened, Shlomi emailed me last week*. I know it’s pretty exciting when an F-list, pointy-faced, nasally, late-night informercial pitchman sends you a personal email, but hold back that excitement because I’m printing it below.
Hey Max,
First off, I love your site. It’s truly the greatest thing I’ve ever read.
Secondly, I know you’ve heard about me beating up that hooker. I’d like to clear it up once and for all, a get me off the hook kinda deal. So here’s how it went down:
I’m cruisin’ for bitches. I’m not sure you know this, but being a late night infomercial host will get you recognized by the shamus. That’s great if you’re going to sell shit late at night, but it’s not great to get a little action, you know, a little dirty-dirty. The only way I can get some is if I pay for it.
Anyway, I’m slow rolling down the strip and then BAM! Perfect 10 walks right past me and says: ‘hey baby’ or some shit. Blonde hair, blue eyes, looked pretty German. And between you and me, you know the Germans always make good stuff.
Anyway, I pick her up and we’re doin’ it right, and she’s getting freaky. Wants to do it in the house, the car, the boat, the RV. But then she says some other shit to me, like: ‘aren’t you that infomercial guy?’ I was so shocked that I leaned in for a kiss, because I’m classy like that, but then I slipped in some tongue and she bit down. SHE BIT DOWN ON MY MOTHERFUCKING TONGUE!
So I did what I had to do: protect my manhood. Pulled a little Shlomi Surprise, know what I mean? A little SlapChop™ action right to the cheekbone WHA BAM (you’re going to love my nuts). A little right-hook left-hook going on. Two easy payments of get-the-fuck-out! Let’s see Billy Mays do that!
Bitch is down on the ground. She’s got some serious blood issues going on, a swollen eye and upper lip and she’s crying. What’s more is I have some blood on my carpet. Some serious hooker blood issues, bro.
Yeah, you know what I did next. I bust out the ShamWow™ Without even applying any pressure, I got 50% of that hooker blood outta there. But you and I know that the rest is still underneath. That’s the mould, the mildew, the nasty shit’s still down there. So I start beating the ShamWow™ to get all the residual blood out from under there (you following me camera guy?) and my carpet looks good as new. How dare that whore bleed all over my carpet. At least I’m not Billy Mays though; dude would be down there with his OxyClean™ trying to use the power of oxygen or some shit.
So I hope all this can clear my name. Self defence, pure and simple.
You should really write more often on the site,
Vince
Damn, what a piece of shit. That email easily qualifies him for Motherfucker of the Month.
*He may not have actually emailed me
No amount of ShamWows could soak up all of my tears after reading about this