Motherfucker of the Month: April
This one is coming a little late. My apologies.
I looked back at the last two Motherfuckers of the Month and realized something. Ryan Seacrest is a dirty little weasel with a pointy face and blonde hair. And so is Vince Offer. And then I thought: “hey, that’s kinda cool how two people who look the same are back to back winners of the most prestigious award on the internet. What are the odds of that happening?”
And then I did the math. I crunched mad numbers here, and it turns out that the chance of those two weasel-fucks NOT getting the nomination were slim to none. I mean, really slim to fucking none.
But it turns out that the odds of Ryan Seacrest and then Vince Offer and then Rosie O’Donnell happening were so outrageously low, that I had to make history. I mean, it’s really hard to go skinny blonde weasel, skinny blonde weasel, fat-ass brunette hippo. That’s not the way it works at the zoo and it’s not the way it works on the internet, until now.
Rosie, darling. You lesbian (not that there’s anything wrong with that) comedian, fat-ass supreme, cruise-ship operator (and just plain old cruise-ship), welcome to the Motherfucker hall of fame. There is nothing more I can say.
Except that last time I ran into you, a chicken wing flew out of your mouth. That’s just fucking gross.
Anyway, welcome. I hope you enjoy the company, Rosie. Also, feel free to send me an email and I’ll photoshop up a trophy for you. Though it won’t be edible, you fat fuck.